he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
