I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
