So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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