That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
