His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
