Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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