mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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