plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
In America we eat man semen.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
