I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
