She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
