so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
