Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
