It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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