Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
