in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
