you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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