I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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