that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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