His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
