Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize