Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
My balls are so social today.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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