I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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