in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
