There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
