It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
