I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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