She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
