i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
