New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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