end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i wish my penis had a tongue
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
