i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Sober January is a disaster.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
