K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
