Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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