i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
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