I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
