Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
