she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
