i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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