It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
