that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
