Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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