My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i believe in u and ur pee
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
