I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
