Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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