the condom got lost in my hair
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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