Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
