addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
