I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
