My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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