Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
