drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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