Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
