So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
We smell like vodka and hangover
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